A future father's perspective

Hello everyone. I waned to add my thoughts to this blog which my wife started. She is able to write her thoughts out so I also wanted to share my thoughts.

When I got married, I was looking forward to sharing my life with Cilla. Thinking that after a few years of just the two of us, we would start adding children to our home. After it not turning out like the way we thought it would, we searched out to see what the problem was. Finding out that it was my problem, the reason it was going to be difficult to have kids, really weighed heavy on my mind and heart. Cilla's main dream and ambition was to raise Godly children and have a fun and loving family. Her dream soon grew to be my dream also. To know that I was the one holding that dream back really hurt and still does to this day. After several weeks and months of taking vitamins to help with my problem, and still not getting the results we wanted, I was becoming very discouraged.

March 1st, we went to Georgia to relax and on our way back, we discussed the option of adopting. We talked about it and felt like that is the way we were going to go. The next morning, I woke up to Cilla going crazy. She took a pregnancy test, and got a positive reading. My whole day was a blurr, full of excitement and nervousness. The next day, she took another test and another positive response. Our dream had come true. I was going to be a father. Tears of joy slid down my face. I knew now what that felt like when other guys from church talked about their wives being pregnant. I had a smile on my face that would not go away.

A few days later, Cilla started saying that she was having stomach pains. I started to get a little scared. I kept telling her that everything was going to be ok. I went to work praying to the God I love, that He would make everything ok. A few hours later, I got a call from Cilla. She told me she believed that she had a miscarriage. My stomach fell and I left work immediately.

When I got home, I hugged Cilla on the porch just thinking to myself, WHY? Within one week, our emotions had gone from the highest peak to the lowest valley. I understand that the pregnancy did not work out for a reason. I know that GOD has a reason for it but the feeling I have of being empty inside and loosing a part of me just hurts so bad. The feeling of being a father is gone. I realized that just within the past year, my desire to have children became so big. To have that feeling of excitement and joy turned into tears and sadness, is the worst feeling I have felt.

I know that GOD has plans for Cilla and I, and I know that He would not withhold any good thing, including children, from us.

I love my wife so much and want to give her children. At least we know that it is not totally impossible, and that soon, we will have that feeling again of excitement and joy. I believe that GOD has a plan for me and that plan involves being a dad.