Well, I am sure you are wondering about a fertility update....
Wait, scratch that...
I am quite sure only 5 people read this and either, A) You already know what is going on or B) You wish I would move on to happeir subjects.
None-the-less, I am writing this blog to clear my head as it is SO full of fog right now that I can't see my hand in front of my face. Granted, I am sure it is nothing that a copius amount of alcohol couldn't fix, but I don't drink. I am also sure that anti-depressants could fix it, but I hate those things... been there, done that. I am also sure that deciding not to have children at all would fix it. I wish I could be one of those people who just said, "Forget having babies.... Let's travel, darling", but that is not me. I want children more that anything in the world.
So, here I sit damned to waller in this pile of infertility.... for now at least. The problem is that I put too much confidence in the last IUI. The ski trip was a big disctraction; a welcomed distraction. Unfortunately, reality hit when I got home. It knocked me on my butt like a fat kid trying to get to the last piece of cake. And here I sit, on my butt, unable to see my hand in front of my face for all of the fog in my head. Pathetic. Can't get up. Can't stop crying.
This is the first time in our 4 year journey that I feel hopeless. No people, I am not being dramatic.... I REALLY, truly, feel hopeless. I see no light at the end of the tunnel, I feel no hope that this will ever happen for us. The reality of our situation has smacked me in the face this month.
Allow me to list the realities, again, to clear the fog.
1. No issurance coverage 2. No close friends without kids 3. Clomid isn't helping 4. I'm fat and I blame it on infertility 3. NO ONE completely understands 4. Everyone is pregnant and popping out babies like a freakin' Pez Dispenser 5. I'm too afraid to adopt/foster
I know there are more they are not coming to me right now. Yeah, yeah, I hear you. You are telling me that we know the Giver of end-less hope and life. Believe me, I know. The problem is that this has been such a spiritual journey for Todd and I, that I am spiritually tired too. I feel like I am in the story about the footsteps on the sand and this is when I just need to be carried. Wow, there's some drama for you!
I have to insert that Todd just asked what I was doing. I read him what I have typed so far and he says, "Aw, honey.... you're not fat."!!!! What a good husband I have.
I guess I need to wrap this up as the dogs are getting wrestless and need to be walked this morning.
In all seriousness, I know that clarity and hope will soon return. I am sure this is just a funk. There will be no IUI this month, as I feel like I just couldn't go through with it right now. Maybe next month....
Cape San Blas
7 years ago
10 comments:
Cil, I don't understand experientially and will not pretend I can. However, I do love you, friend, and can sympathize with your emotional and spiritual state right now. I am struggling with something entirely different, but still feel the pain and frustration of burnout. I wish I could say the magic words- for both of us. The truth is, there is no need to preach to the choir right now. You and I know. Right now, it is just hard... that I understand. Wish I could join you today; it would be nice to have your company right now. Thank you for your candor. Love you.
I know we only know each other thru blog-land but.. if you'd like to talk I've been there done that and know EXACTLY how you feel and I DO understand. shoot me an email sometime- mesacole812 at gmail dot com
I know there is nothing I can say even though I wish I knew the magic words. All I can say though is I love you and I don’t appreciate you talking about me trying to get the last piece of cake like that you know how much I love cake!
FYI…Talk to Mesa she is a sweet soul I have been so blessed to meet through my cousin and she has been there.
Love you!
Cilla,
I just wanted to let you know I read your blog and I am thinking about you. many (((hugs)))
((((((HUGS))))))
Hi Cilla...why do you think I named my blog "Endurance inspired by Hope." ....and girl you can't roll your eyes and shoo me away because I know exactly the place you are in. We can only endure because we have but one source of hope, whether we get what we want or not. Either way, we praise Him. Come on girl, pick yourself up/ dust yourself off and keep moving.
Yay for Todd being a good husband. Let God carry you. He carries the world in His hands. You don't have to. We love y'all.
C. we really do care about what is going on in your life and inside of you personally and we want to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Love you!
I know we don't really know each other real well, only seen each other at the young marrieds but I just wanted to write and let you know I HEAR you. No, I have not walked in your shoes but I know what it is like to have to trust God and not have any other alternative. When I was 16 weeks pregnant with my middle child, they discovered that his heart never formed correctly. The more test they ran they discovered that he would need a series of open heart surgeries just to survive while other doctors told us he would never make it and we needed to abort. At that point we had a crossroads where we could either choose to believe the doctors or believe God. We had no other choice but to trust in God. That has been 4 1/2 years ago and that decision has been tested man times over the years. We have fought through 3 major heart operations(2 of which he was put on the bipass), 2 cardiac caths, physical therapy, and eating/weight issues but we are here. I look back and am amazed that through all the dark times and trust me there were alot of those, times where when I saw my son fighting for his life and there was nothing I could do but trust that God was going to take care of him, times where I sat with a mom who had just lost her child to the same thing my son was fighting so hard to overcome and wondered if that would happen to us,times where I was just plain tired of standing on His promises,and during all those times GOd never left us. I can not say this is the life that I would have chose but I know that the God we serve is faithful, not just when times are good but when they are so painful that you feel like you can't take your next breath. We still fight everyday not to give into fear. The doctors don't know long term how long his heart will function and there is always a chance of something looming over us but all I know is that we must trust. Sometimes we have to get to a place where we have nothing else to trust in but God, and He shows up. Right after we found out God gave me the chapter in Romans 4. In this chapter God called things that were not as though they were and gave life to Sarah's womb. Abraham had to believe the unbelievable for GOd to show up. Sometimes we have to call things that are not as though they are and speak life into our bleak situation.
I am praying for you! Praying for strength and peace and for you to feel Him in a fresh way.
Kimberly
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