IUI #4

I apologize for not posting sooner. I really want to document this journey and yet writing it down makes it seem so real. I tend to be much better at shoving it way down low somewhere and forgetting that is hurts. Anyway, I digress.

So after the last post I took a PT, which was negative and then popped a progesterone pill! I take it five days in a row and then usually start about a week after the last pill. Well, I guess God had things planned out a little differently because the day I took the second pill, I started! Weird.

I took the Clomid days 3-7. This is supposed to cause me to make several eggies when I ovulate...which will give us more targets when it comes time for the IUI. :) Now we just wait for ovulation. I will start taking OPK's over the weekend.

So on to the holidays. I am excited and dreading it all at the same time. Putting away the fall decorations and putting up the Christmas pretties makes me think back to last year. I was depressed last year. My Grandmother passed on Christmas Eve the year before and I just knew I was going to have a baby or be prego by the next Christmas. Obviously that didn't happen. On top of that, my brother and sister-in-law found out they were expecting and Todd's brother and sister-in-law just had their second. Although I was happy for them both, it was still a vivid reminder that Todd and I still didn't have our little miracle. "Well, by this time next year I just KNOW our miracle will be here", I said to myself.

Now, I lay here in bed and I am thinking, "It is 'this time next year' and still no miracle." *tears* Maybe it is the side effects from the Clomid making me emotional, or maybe it's just the power the keyboard has over my emotions. Somehow it draws them out to the surface. Either way I feel torn. I want to be thankful. I guess deep down I am thankful. I have learned so much through this process. And yet somehow (brace yourselves, this isn't very spiritual; call it a moment of weakness) I feel jipped. I feel neglected. I feel ignored.
I should point out my wording here. "FEEL" indictates emotions. Obviously mine are fragile. But deep down, really deep down, I know I am not defined by those emotions. I am defined by truth. The truth is, God settles the barren woman in her home and makes her the happy mother of children (Psalm 113:5,9). The truth is, God is holding me in the palm of His hand. He will finish this process that He has started. Amen.

So here I stand (or lay as the case may be) facing the beginning of "that" time of year. I will face it with my head high. I will use it as a reminder that God is not limited to "time". I will be thankful and not complain.
...but for now, I am just going to cry.