Adoption Emotions Run Wild

After receiving a phone call from our Social Worker, Stacy, saying that she has our Foster Care home study officially finished and needs a final signature this week, it dawned on me how close we are getting to having a family. We are meeting up with her on Wednesday at 10am. After this, she can send the paperwork to our Adoption Social Worker, Michelle, and she will finish up our adoption home study.

It is so exciting to have both of these going at the same time! Exciting. Scary. Nerve Wrecking. Emotional. Happy. Ecstatic. Are you getting a picture of what my emotions have been doing lately? Let me take a minute to be real.

When I think about being involved in Foster Care, I get nervous. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is what we are supposed to do, which is weird because 6 months ago I would have said NO WAY! The only way I can explain this phenomenon that has occurred in my heart is to say that my prayer as we started down this path is that God would give me the desire of my heart. Not the object of MY desires, but that He would change the things I yearn for to match up with what He wants for me. I understand as you read this that it may sound uber-spiritual and very good of me. Go ahead, pat me on the back. The truth is, this process hurts. When you say those uber-spiritual words to God and truly open up your heart for Him to work with, He doesn't immediately fill it with rainbows and smiley faces and say "Thank you"! Oh no. He strips your heart of all the things taking up space that He needs. It hurts. It requires daily work of yielding rights, and opening tight fists. This is the process I am still in.
I find my self questioning His work. Silly? I know. Go ahead. Take the back pats back. Indian giver.
So let me be more specific in hopes that by spilling my emotions out to you, you might be able to let me know that someone else has felt this way and that I am not alone. ***Wondering who the "you" in that last sentence is. Does anyone even read this? Maybe I should reword that. *** So let me spill out my emotions in hopes that it might bring clarity to myself! :)

Honestly (I mean really honest at the risk of sounding insane), my selfish, self-centered side wants are to get pregnant, birth my own child and breast-feed. I want to be able to give my child a name. I sometimes ask God if this is too much to ask and He gently reminds me of my original prayer. He promises me that He would not lead me down this road to disappoint me. He promises me that His desires for me, in the long run, will be so much more fulfilling than I can imagine. I believe Him with my heart. All my heart. I know He loves me. And yet, my mind, my stupid mind, wanders and in the quiet spaces of my heart, I doubt. I don't want to. I want to skip through this process with a smile and rainbow, excited the whole time with unwavering faith. But, I can't. I'm hoping this is just human. I try not to be too demeaning on myself, but, when I start to doubt, I get angry. It's a viscous cycle. A stupid viscous cycle.

Then there is this other side of me. Am I starting to sound like I have multiple personalities? Wait. Don't answer that.
This personality, eh, I mean this side of me, is so excited-out-of-my-mind that we are going to have a family soon that I am already planning a party to celebrate it! (AND, don't get me wrong, the moments of excitement FAR OUT WEIGH the moments of confusion and doubt.) Oh yeah, you heard me right! Todd and I decided that after we have been placed with children and sign the final adoption papers we are going to throw the party of the century! I mean, it's going to be amazing. I have already started making the decorations. Go ahead. Give me that pat on the back again for planning ahead. Here is a little sneak peak of what I have been up to:

This is a banner I made this week. I have also made pinwheel centerpieces for the tables, and paper fans that will be hanging from the ceiling. I already have the menu and cake planned. It kinda reminds me of when I was 16 and had my whole wedding planned; it was basically an "insert groom" kinda scenario. Same principal with this. Party planned. Insert kids. And some helium balloons at the last minute!

Turns out typing this out was therapeutic. I don't sound as crazy typed out as I do in my own head... scary, eh?

So, my next update will be Wednesday after we sign our final Foster Care paperwork. Until then, here's to opening your heart up and letting God change your desires!