Well, friends, thank you for being patient with me as I take some time away from this blog and concentrate on my dads blog. It has been a quick and busy 6 weeks for me and my family.
We are starting to settle into our "new normal". Todd and I have a lot of changes coming up in our life that I will continue to update you on as the time is appropriate.
I have had so many people ask how I am doing, so let me just take a minute to let you know! In a sentence, I am in shock. I currently have no tears. I am sad, angry, and content all at the same time. I am walking around in a fog; just moving about through the day doing "normal" things. Todd and I are currently staying with mom at her house, for 2 reasons, 1) Todd went back to work this week and I am not ready to be by myself yet, and 2) Mom isn't ready to be by herself yet. Don't get me wrong.... we are not afraid to be by ourselves, it's just that when you are alone you realize you are alone. It is very overwhelming. So, for now we are sleeping here at mom's in the guest room (which used to be my bedroom!).
As for our infertility situation (as I try to get back on topic with my blog!), I am extremely aware that for Todd and I, this infertility situation had a deeper spiritual undertone. If you have ever heard me "talk" about our situation, then you know that I am quick to say that I believe God has told us to wait on His timing. On this side of my father's passing, I am so thankful that Todd and I do not have children. There is no way I could have been here for mom as much as I have been able to if we had children. God knew that not only did mom need me, but I needed to be close to dad these past 6 weeks. I NEEDED it.
I have been reminded that we often say "God's timing is perfect", but do we really believe that? Are we truly willing to wait on His perfect will? Do we truly trust His timing? In this day and age where everything is at your fingertips NOW, are we truly willing to be patient?
I know looking back, at times, I wasn't. I didn't trust and I certainly didn't understand. Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it?
So moving forward, Todd and I have decided to back off and let God's will be done. Whatever that is. Pregnancy, fostering, adoption, no children at all.... I don't know. All I know is that He was merciful to me by withholding children. It wasn't an act of cruelty; it was His grace and mercy. And for that I am thankful.
I went off all my fertility meds several months ago and between that and the stress of watching daddy deteriorate, I dropped 12 pounds! woop woop! That in and of itself is enough to keep me off the meds! Ugh! I hated taking those!
So there you have it friends! I hope you feel updated and can read my heart through these jumbled thoughts. I am going to start my regular blogging again. I am sure some will be sad, but, I am going to try to keep it happy and "normal"! :)
Cape San Blas
7 years ago
5 comments:
Wow, Cilla. Your strength amazes me. I am glad you have your mom and wonderful husband to lean on when you might not feel so tough. I love you dearly.
After my Mom died I was in shock for months. I would pick up the phone to call her and then burst into tears. I would wake up and think it was all a dream. I would dream that it was all a dream. I couldn't pray out loud. I felt my life was a mean joke that God was playing on me (loosing my Mom and babies within a 2 week span).
I know the emotions you are going through right now. They are all normal, and I will keep you in my prayers.
Cilla- You and your family have been on my heart, mind, and prayers for the last several weeks. Your faith is a testimony to everyone.
What a beautiful update, Cil. Thank you for your candidness. And as you continue to blog, don't worry about "being normal." Just be yourself... that is what we love!
I will continue praying for you and your family right now. I admire your strength and perspective, even when it is difficult.
As for the baby situation, I am thankful that you and Todd are at peace right now and we are excited to see how God will bless you because of your heart towards Him. He will not allow that to go in vain, dear friend.
I love you and miss you something awful!
Love,
Court
Cilla, I am so very sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my mother unexpectedly a little over a month ago. I'm in a good place but the missing part will always be there. You will be in my prayers.
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